Author Topic: Senka Slavica The Slightly Depressing Poet  (Read 1158 times)

Senka Slavica

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Senka Slavica The Slightly Depressing Poet
« on: April 08, 2011, 09:44:37 am »
I'm new on the forums and was just introduced to Flipside through a friend not too long ago, but I'm all caught up and I'm loving it  :-*.
Anyway onto the poetry *dramatically points to the sky*! :P

Tick tock, the seconds go by
The lights of day slowly die
A young man lies in bed
Lies there quietly so full of dread
No dreams of sugarplums dance in his head
For when the next day comes it begins a new
Never changing, just sitting there like a stale old brew
The tests, the pokes, the prods
But he won't die against all odds
Even if he prays to all the gods
They keep him on the road of life
Even if he tries to end it with a knife
Under the covers, with arms wrapped he lies
On his pillows, for sadness and anger he cries
For every single falsehood he buys
But now he stands alone
For from the truth he now atone
And escape this in dead of night
Under moon so full and bright
To stop this coming evil blight
Which he did help bring around
But does now keep him bound
He must take up his shield take up his sword
And take the evil man to hang by a cord
Then break across his back a wooden board
But to be free from this fate
To serve his enemy's head on a plate
He would need every bit of his wills and wile
And draw from the night its great guile
To move through the halls leaving bodies in a pile
The opening of the door ends his thought
A nurse enters with a needle she has brought
Into his neck the needle goes
Far away his malice blows
For a threat he no longer does pose.
Now around him darkness wraps
As on deaths door he taps


Tell me what you think, if you like it I'll try to write some more ;)

Japaka

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Re: Senka Slavica The Slightly Depressing Poet
« Reply #1 on: April 08, 2011, 12:51:17 pm »
Nice, deep and understandable. I got one thing to say though, even if it has rhyme (and it's not necessary to make a poem) some phrases don't catch up to others in length, so if you read it, it kind of cuts the phrase where it shouldn't or it's too long and the timing passes. This can only be corrected if it's read by the author, because he knows where to make a stop, how to read the words and when it changes. While it's read by another, that person makes up his own timing, and it gets messed up.

So, i guess the only way would be to hear you read it, and we can't, so i'll say it's great. I'll try to look my own way of reading it.

I've made some phrases also, they're good, but they only have 4 lines on them each and aren't alike in meaning, so i think i'll turn them into a song. :P
« Last Edit: April 08, 2011, 12:53:21 pm by Japaka »
When life gives you lemons, make grape juice. Then sit back and let the world wonder how the f**k you did it.

Senka Slavica

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Re: Senka Slavica The Slightly Depressing Poet
« Reply #2 on: April 08, 2011, 04:21:48 pm »
Thankie-sai Japaka, I'll take what you have said into consideration when I next write a poem. Not entirely sure when that will happen, my muse is such a fickle temptress *sigh* but I shall try and track her down so I may learn and do better.