A great deal of person stuff here and probably stuff that's not relevant to Churba's particular situation but...
Look, She screwed me over very, very badly, but it wasn't entirely her fault - there were outside factors. I'm not angry at her, I'm mostly angry at myself, and angry at the situation, but not at her - I mean, yeah, sometimes I have a flash or two of rage at things, like the time I had to beg for forgiveness, to the point of humiliation, just to get her to talk to me again, because she was angry that I'd called her on a lie she'd told.
But I'll be honest - I knew the whole time what was going on, and I forgave her from the start. If I hadn't, I still wouldn't be struggling, starving, and fighting to stay here for her, because she's in a very bad situation right now, and while people who know her recognize it, she's away from them, and the people around her just keep encouraging her to get deeper and deeper.
But, No matter what happens, I'm not going to give up on her. It's just a very hard situation, and I've had a hard time in the past - hell, the girl I was with before salubi put me in the hospital, by breaking a coffee mug over my head - and it wasn't the first time she'd beaten the hell out of me. It was salubi that gave me the courage, drive and support to get out of that hell, and she's the first woman I trusted enough to share my life with after that.
If I go too far, If I get too ranty, pull me in and smack me around the ear. Just because shit is going badly, doesn't mean I get to take it out on you guys, salubi, or anyone else.
Well, I can't claim to know the entire situation here, so its hard to comment, but I will give some advice. Maybe it's relevant, maybe it's not.
My relationship with my wife wasn't one of equals but one of abuse and groveling. I had a strange sense of obligations in relationships when I was young and it was pretty much a matter of never standing up for myself and groveling like a beaten dog, trying to beg forgiveness and tolerance from a pack leader. Whenever she was upset, angry or frustrated and directed some of it at me I was practically falling over myself to be forgiven and would go out of my way to effectively help her put me down while doing everyting I could to uplift her.
I am not putting myself down but speaking truthfully when I say that much of this was my fault. My wife wasn't nearly as abusive towards me (if at all) when we first met, etc. However, my attitude of always submitting to her will, deferring decisions to her and pretty much letting her get her own way whenever she got pouty, angry or upset ment that she learnt to do it more often. Understand that whenever she acted like this, she was rewarded with getting her way or having me do some major lovey-dovey stuff, Sappy/Corny lines and appologies for things that didn't/shouldn't have needed any apology.
Over the years, she became worse. She would get upset and threaten me with divorce or even suggest killing herself to bring out the same reaction that I rewarded her with, every time. In public, she was completely different, like she subconciously knew that the behaviour was wrong and didn't want others to see, but maybe she just didn't want my pittiful behaviour on display either, as I sought sympathy from her and others for wrongs that either didn't exist or just weren't worth the attitude I had in return.
Eventually I begun withdrawing as she'd cry and abuse me each time I went to go out with friends or belittle my work around the house. I sunk into a hole where I lacked the motivation to do almost anything because I'd get abused just as much for doing something as I did for doing nothing. No task could be done in a relaxing manner or to her satisfaction, it all needed to be criticised and she would work herself up to every wrong I had apparently done to her over the time of our relationship, building the abuse up higher and higher without relent as I continued so that it felt like torture to do anything. I sunk myself into complete and utter apathy and self-pitty as my wife stressed herself with nearly every house-hold chore, continuing to take her new frustration at my procrastination on me every night... Until one day I just not so much as snapped, but clicked.
I had a sort of epiphany as to my situation and rose out of my pit. I begun to cook meals again, clean the house, make the bed, walk to work, eat well, exercise and go out. I begun to, not so much argue back, but stand my ground and ceased groveling and begging for forgiveness that wasn't needed. I'd been suggesting marriage counciling on and off for a few years but begun to suggest it more strongly as I sought a way to better my life. But she didn't want to admit that anything was wrong.
In a car trip to my grandparents, she became frustrated with the long drive and begun to abuse me with riddicule of my driving and a torrent of other inconsequential problems from the entire span of our time together. As I drove on and refused to appologise or submit, I came to a conclusion that not only did I no longer hold much love for my wife any more but I wasn't even sure I could regard her as a friend. As she drove on about how she was having problems dealing with our marriage I suggested marriage counciling once again, she shot back in anger that we should probably just get divorced, as she had many times before then, and this time I simply said "done".
She didn't take much heed to the comment until I put in writing that we were now seperated and moved myself to a spare bedroom. I told her that the law required us to be seperated for 12 months before we could be divorced but if no head-way was made in our marriage in 4 months, I would move out and there would be little chance of recovery from that. So she finally agreed to marriage counciling and from there we begun to work on our marriage together. It's 8 months later and we're still working on it as we both continue to push ourselves to break old habbits of abuse or subjegation that lead to a relationship that was detrimental to the both of us. Things still aren't at a point that I'd be happy to remain in for the remainder of my life, but they continue to improve as my wife continues to work with me in pushing out of our old routines.
Again, I don't know your exact situation, or if this even applies, but as long as there's no danger of loosing you entirely, she'll continue to use you with ease, thinking that you'll always be there to go back and forth from, when she'd in a downer, wants to throw abuse or watch you crawl for her attention. Your submission to that role only encourages and entrenches it in her, until its almost routine and you'll simply continue to go in these circles until something changes and its much easier for you to change the situation at your end than hers. Give her a deadline, to make a difference or force her to do something that will make it far harder for her to return to the habits that harm her and turn her away no matter how desperate she is until she hits a point that she takes that leap. Heck, resolve to move away by a certain date if you're only there for her. Tell her that she can join you or you'll always be willing to pay for a one-way ticket to your new location. Then follow through and don't look back until she looks to follow you.
I guess what I'm saying is that it sounds like you've both slipped into a routine where she is in control of the situation and is quite happy to have you sitting there for whenever she has a use for you only to return to her ways when that requirement is fullfilled. And part of that may well be your fault for letting her fall into that repetition by playing your part in it. You need to take control and make a change that will break the circle. A change that means your life will continue on as though she is out of the equasion. She may call for help or a continuation of the current situation, but you must be strong and hold fast to your conditions, allowing her to sink to a level of desperation that gives her the will and the drive to accept them.
If she never reaches that level, then there's little you can do other than continue with our life and hold steadfast to any attempts to gain pity.