Author Topic: Predetermite family love  (Read 4506 times)

Keaoden Silverstride

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Predetermite family love
« on: September 30, 2010, 02:30:14 pm »
Yeah, I've always had issues with this.

Okay, so the general understanding is this: You are related to [blank] in some kind of way so you must love [blank] just because they are your family.
I disagree with this so very hard. I think of family as people you end up with due to a roll of chance.
I am not saying don't love them, I'm saying don't love them just because they are family, love them for the person they are.

Well, agree? disagree? thoughts?

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Re: Predetermite family love
« Reply #1 on: September 30, 2010, 02:36:29 pm »
Well all ready have disowned one of my family members for some thing he done to my Grandad, so yeah do agree with you you dont have to love that person.
What good is dreaming it if you don't actually do it?.

Selan

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Re: Predetermite family love
« Reply #2 on: September 30, 2010, 03:38:26 pm »
It all depends on how close you are with your family.
If your dad beats you to a pulp everyday i guess you don't have a reason to love him.
If you have an aunt you see once a year, but she's very nice then i don't see why you shouldn't love her.
Most of your family members (especially the ones that are older then you (uncle, grandmother etc. etc.)
have seen you evolve from a baby to a grown-up, they have more of a bond with you then you have with them (most of the time)

I don't like kids that much, but my nieces and nephews? Man if anybody would do them harm i would destroy them with bare hands.

So yeah, i think it depends on the situation, i have a family member that should be very happy that he's dead, for i would've murdered him if i had the chance.



Pozf

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Re: Predetermite family love
« Reply #3 on: September 30, 2010, 06:33:48 pm »
I am not saying don't love them, I'm saying don't love them just because they are family, love them for the person they are.

This completely. I don't agree that just because you are related to somebody, no matter how closely, means that you should love them.

I personally have one part of my extended family that I care about, now the rest of them, while very nice people, mean nothing to me. I see them a few times a year at family gatherings and that's it, no real emotional connection from my part. (Though I do feign it so I don't have to deal with the everybody else ripping into me about it.)
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RoninAngel

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Re: Predetermite family love
« Reply #4 on: September 30, 2010, 08:55:35 pm »
Yeah, I've always had issues with this.

Okay, so the general understanding is this: You are related to [blank] in some kind of way so you must love [blank] just because they are your family.
I disagree with this so very hard. I think of family as people you end up with due to a roll of chance.
I am not saying don't love them, I'm saying don't love them just because they are family, love them for the person they are.

Well, agree? disagree? thoughts?

Why doesn't matter. What matters is that you love them.
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Re: Predetermite family love
« Reply #5 on: October 01, 2010, 10:09:44 am »
Just can't agree with you there Ronin...

I do love all my relatives who I've met, but that's because all of them are wonderful people and looking at other families and their blood relatives, I considder myself immeasurably lucky.
To see why, I just have to look at my mother-in-law to be... and to the late father of my fiancé.
Two people who circumstances turned to monsters.
If her dad hadn't already drunk himself to death litterally, I could very well have killed him myself for the physical and mental damage he inflicted on my fiancé during her childhood and for the reclusive sociopath her mother turned into from his abuse.
« Last Edit: October 01, 2010, 10:12:47 am by Emp_Dragon »

Keaoden Silverstride

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Re: Predetermite family love
« Reply #6 on: October 03, 2010, 04:14:02 am »
I am not saying don't love them, I'm saying don't love them just because they are family, love them for the person they are.

This completely. I don't agree that just because you are related to somebody, no matter how closely, means that you should love them.

I personally have one part of my extended family that I care about, now the rest of them, while very nice people, mean nothing to me. I see them a few times a year at family gatherings and that's it, no real emotional connection from my part. (Though I do feign it so I don't have to deal with the everybody else ripping into me about it.)
This is nearly the exact same for me, say I don't feign anything.

I do like what Selan had. I can understand your viewpoint, I don't entirely agree, but I do understand.

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Re: Predetermite family love
« Reply #7 on: October 04, 2010, 04:54:27 am »
Just can't agree with you there Ronin...

I do love all my relatives who I've met, but that's because all of them are wonderful people and looking at other families and their blood relatives, I considder myself immeasurably lucky.
To see why, I just have to look at my mother-in-law to be... and to the late father of my fiancé.
Two people who circumstances turned to monsters.
If her dad hadn't already drunk himself to death litterally, I could very well have killed him myself for the physical and mental damage he inflicted on my fiancé during her childhood and for the reclusive sociopath her mother turned into from his abuse.

Yeah, but that's not what I meant at all. I just think that having a loving relationship with your folks and siblings is important. If you don't have that, you're in from some serious trouble. What I meant is that however a person rationalizes their feelings is less important then the relationship itself. I by no reason think that every person should love their families (some family members are quite unlovable (my grandmother is an example) but my heart goes out to those people. Not having at least one person in your family you can talk to sounds kind of like a living nightmare.
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Keaoden Silverstride

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Re: Predetermite family love
« Reply #8 on: October 04, 2010, 05:40:58 pm »
Yeah, but that's not what I meant at all. I just think that having a loving relationship with your folks and siblings is important. If you don't have that, you're in from some serious trouble. What I meant is that however a person rationalizes their feelings is less important then the relationship itself. I by no reason think that every person should love their families (some family members are quite unlovable (my grandmother is an example) but my heart goes out to those people. Not having at least one person in your family you can talk to sounds kind of like a living nightmare.
Okay now I get what Ronin was saying. That makes much more sense to me now. I understand that if you have the chance to have a pleasant relationship with the people of your family you should take it.
To this I have a bit of apprehension, while growing up your views are subject to being melded by said family members, and for the most part as just a very young child you are usually blissfully unaware of what exactly each person is like. Only when a rough realization happens somewhere along the line do you really have the chance to compare your family to the kinds a beliefs you may or may not have when the shroud of childhood is lifted.

Not having at least one person in your family you can talk to sounds kind of like a living nightmare.
Its not really all that bad.

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Re: Predetermite family love
« Reply #9 on: October 05, 2010, 10:06:33 am »
I belive that true friends may replace any need for loveing blood relations.

charles

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Re: Predetermite family love
« Reply #10 on: October 07, 2010, 06:04:30 pm »
I guess family are generally (not always) considered "loved ones" by default and then their actions and attitudes can cause them to loose that affection (even past actions that only become known later).  Friends and partners are given the affection by their actions and attitudes as you get to know them.

Its a culture thing I guess.  From memory, the Italians are usually considered to have this culture stronger than most with close ties out to relations as distant as 2nd cousins and beyond.  Usually its a cultural thing for the various families to regularly meet and keep close ties while encouraging their children to keep close ties with one another so they grow up with the association.  In other cultures you might never know your mother's family or a woman might be considered to completely loose ties to her family upon marriage.

In the case of the closest relations of parents, children and siblings, these are people that you're most likely to spend a good many years living with and knowing very closely in almost any culture (almost).  Under such close quarters for such long periods, its difficult to hold any kind of neutral feeling towards these relations, and generally preferable and benificial for all parties to try and nurture feelings of love as opposed to animosity, as much as reasonably possible.

Excluding any kind of abuse or other serious transgressions.  Generally a loving relationship will exist between close family members through the pre-teenage years, not simply because the child is reliant upon the parent for the majority of it's needs, but because most differences of opinion and offences are generally forgiven and written off as a child simply being a child or a parent asserting their authority in what they view as the best interests of the child.  As they enter the teenage years, however, this begins to be the period where the child begins to establish who they will be as an adult and what they will do with their life.  Its usually during this period, and adulthood, that siblings, parents and their children might break ties based more on differences of opinion and general dislike for one another as opposed to any serious transgressions such as abuse which could destroy a loving relationship at almost any point (if one ever existed).

In the end, its obviously beneficial for any child to be born into a family who will afford it unconditional love to begin with, considering that the child is completely reliant on the family for everthing, down to cleaning it of it's own faeces and pushing food directly down its mouth.
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CrystalDragonSpaceMarine

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Re: Predetermite family love
« Reply #11 on: October 08, 2010, 04:00:02 pm »
I think you should love your family unless they seriously wrong you.
If you don't, then you're just a douche.
Though if they screw you over, well, loving them anyway is pretty stupid.

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Re: Predetermite family love
« Reply #12 on: October 08, 2010, 06:52:26 pm »
You're statement is a tad too black an white there CDSM.

One of my uncles died recently, never said more than 'hi how are you' to him my entire life (sometimes not even that on the rare occasion I saw him). I know regulars that come into the 7-11 better than I knew him. Yet I'm a douche because I didn't love a stranger?

Or maybe my Dads current wife, she's a huge pain in my ass whenever I have to deal with her, should I love her too because she is technically family?
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Selan

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Re: Predetermite family love
« Reply #13 on: October 08, 2010, 11:39:11 pm »
Charles my man! I absolutly agree with you, especially with the disasociation in the teenage years.
To be honest, my parents and i haven't been close for many years. Mainly based on the fact that they didn't know how to handle me causing them to push all the wrong buttons instead of helping me.

This relationship repaired a few years ago, but i seriously couldn't care less about my parents at one point.
So it's also about feelings that change not only by age, but in time.
(and maybe by learning they tried their best)

CrystalDragonSpaceMarine

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Re: Predetermite family love
« Reply #14 on: October 09, 2010, 03:31:37 pm »
You're statement is a tad too black an white there CDSM.

One of my uncles died recently, never said more than 'hi how are you' to him my entire life (sometimes not even that on the rare occasion I saw him). I know regulars that come into the 7-11 better than I knew him. Yet I'm a douche because I didn't love a stranger?

Or maybe my Dads current wife, she's a huge pain in my ass whenever I have to deal with her, should I love her too because she is technically family?

I predominantly meant family members you associate with on a semi-regular basis, and not including those who might be outsiders.
But if a cousin who's been pretty good with you in spite of maybe being a little annoying, I think it's right to have their back when they need it, whether you really like them or not.

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Re: Predetermite family love
« Reply #15 on: June 01, 2011, 01:52:47 pm »
I always envied people who had/have good relations with their family.  I never felt anything even remotely like an emotional family bond or anything like that. I remember when I was age 8 I stood at the local orphanage and asked if I could stay there. I have tried to run away from home at least once every year since then. I didn't hate my family (except for one of my sisters), but I never felt like I belonged. I was not one of them, I merely was due to random circumstance of birth forced to put up with living with them. Also I had no reservations telling my parents to the face, the only reason I was living with them was because I couldn't afford my own place and that I don't have any special bond or feelings with them.  With age 13 I made clear that I consideredd my life to be MY life and not my parent's chance to repend for their mistakes.  But my upbringing was never abusive or anything. I know they loved and cared for me. I knew they tried to teach me responsibility and independence and all.  Now, in hindsight, I wish they had been more strict and assertive with me.  I tried to avoid interacting with them at any opportunity. Only since I moved out from my parental home am I accnowleging them as aquaintances, but they never been any more than that to me.  The only one in my family I actually really care about are my eldest niece.  But I had a crush on my cousin.