Just wanted to say BE FUCKING CAREFUL WHO YOU MARRY AND HAVE KIDS WITH!!!
Probably seems like common sense to some people, who probably have self esteem and other mentally healthy attributes, like perhaps a somewhat accurate understanding of themselves and their position in the world...it sure wasn't obvious to me. I simultaneously had no standards and was not honest with myself about exactly how useless I am as a person...pretty sure I shouldn't have reproduced. I am an alcoholic with little or no original ideas, inner motivation (except to get laid...and be good to my kids, and the kids of the world in general...ok I do have tons of inner motivation about certain things, but I am really not A MAN, in the sense of being a leader and GETTING THINGS DONE. And I want to be A MAN. I relate with my male energy, I don't feel happy taking a passive role in relationships...and yet I have ooooodles of female energy, I am reactive to the point of ridiculousness, my default position is always the position of others, and I just don't hardly have any original thoughts, just reactive ones...reactive to my life, assembling the positions of others, reconciling and appraising, AT ALL TIMES, 100% of the time. I am addicted to self-improvement stuff or just anything I can watch. It's so hard for me to create.)
My marriage has fucking laid my life to waste now, she needles me and drains my energy. It's subconscious I think, not intentional, but she is very active in NOT WANTING ME TO GET ANY BETTER (improve myself) because she knows I want desperately to leave her and am attracted to tons of women, and often even attract them too. Stagnation is the opposite of growth which is the opposite of life in my opinion, and it's really killing me because I know it, but I feel I can't leave it because I don't want to hurt my kids, though I'm getting close to making the leap of faith, with the hopes that I can be a better dad when I'm not miserable and broken.
However, I've been saying I'm close to leaving for seriously about a decade now. Sigh.
Anyway, BE FUCKING CAREFUL WITH PREGNANCY!!!