Maytag's Playhouse => Free Talk => Topic started by: RoninAngel on March 30, 2009, 11:57:29 am
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:(.
So 3 weeks ago I met this girl well running errends and we really hit it off. I thought I maybe she could be my new girlfreind.
She is a busy girl and lives in another town but I thought we could work it out. Then she started going to school on top of having a really demanding job. I said that I was willing to put forth the extra effort just to see her. Then she told me yesterday that she is engaged! This is after we went out together and had what I thought was a really good time.
I couldn't jive with it. When I thought she was single I was willing to put in the extra effort to see if it would become a real relationship but now I don't really want to see her for a while. I am kind of resentful that she has a fiance and she neglected to mention it until it she could use it as an excuse not to see me.
I told her that she can give me a call if she ever breaks up with him, but till then I don't want to see her anymore.
All pretty standard right? In the dating scene, stuff like this is the costs of doing busness...
But...
I also have a boyfriend.
For those of you who don't know, I have been involved with or living together with another man for more then 2 years. We have an arangment. I can date other girls, just not other guys. I'm fine with that becuase two penises is more then enough for me already. I can occasionally mess with girls I like as long as he doesn't have to hear about it too much.
But I thought this girl was special and I was hoping she could be my other monogomys partner. I was going to tell her about my boyfriend the next time we were alone together and hopefully we could begin to start dating for real, become a real couple.
Now I sad and miss her but I also feel like a hypocrite for dumping her for the exact same thing I am currently doing! :(
I don't know how to feel about this. But I feel really sad. :(
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1) So, there's a piece missing here. Were you guys openly romantic before she told you this?
2) (not really related to anything, but I'm curious) - Was she hot?
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I thought I was.... :-\
I mean I flirted with her the entire time.
She's a smart girl, there's no way she didn't know I liked her like that unless she was being obtuse on purpuse... :-\
Whatever... girls make me so mad >:(.
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Well, you know... You can't expect her to want to be with you if you're already in a relationship, especially after whining about her being in one already. You're both in the wrong here.
And no, the fact that she's a girl doesn't make it more wrong for her to do this. Don't be an even bigger hypocrite.
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Here's the thing, Ronin. You didn't dump her, because you weren't together. She's engaged, and she told you this when she saw that you thought things were serious. Also...other monogamous couple? How...how does that make sense at all?
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Now I sad and miss her but I also feel like a hypocrite for dumping her for the exact same thing I am currently doing! :(
I don't know how to feel about this. But I feel really sad. :(
More details? It sounds like you made some assumptions about the relationship you shouldn't have...it's easy to do when you meet a cool chica and you're all like "she coulda been my girlfriend!"
Also, sounds like she was trying to stay out of it by telling you she was engaged. She wasn't doing the exact same thing at all.
You just need to not think so far ahead so fast, that's all.
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Well, you know... You can't expect her to want to be with you if you're already in a relationship, especially after whining about her being in one already. You're both in the wrong here.
And no, the fact that she's a girl doesn't make it more wrong for her to do this. Don't be an even bigger hypocrite.
Yes I can whine. It's how I feel. I can feel guilty for feeling that way though. :-\
Yes the gender thing is irrelevant. That doesn't make me feel any better though. :-\
1) So, there's a piece missing here. Were you guys openly romantic before she told you this?
2) (not really related to anything, but I'm curious) - Was she hot?
1. The more I think about it, the less clear it is... :-\
2. Well she was a little fat (she said she had a thryroid problem), but it looked fine on her. She had a pretty face and her intelligence and sence of humor was extremely sexy. Over all 7/10. A good catch :).
Here's the thing, Ronin. You didn't dump her, because you weren't together. She's engaged, and she told you this when she saw that you thought things were serious. Also...other monogamous couple? How...how does that make sense at all?
Yes I am beginning to see that. At least from her point of veiw. From my point of veiw, I liked her enough for her to be my girlfreind and was ready to take the next step.
But I am going to ignore your second comment. You know very well there are many different relationship styles.
More details? It sounds like you made some assumptions about the relationship you shouldn't have...it's easy to do when you meet a cool chica and you're all like "she coulda been my girlfriend!"
Also, sounds like she was trying to stay out of it by telling you she was engaged. She wasn't doing the exact same thing at all.
You just need to not think so far ahead so fast, that's all.
Yes. I get attached easily. :-\ I have learned to be less creepy about it and not obsess or call too much, but when I like someone; I know it rather quickly. I wish it was easier for me to be aloof. I would get hurt less. :(
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Many relationship styles? Yes. I'm not judging open relationships. I'm just amused that you think it's "monogamy" if you're dating two different people.
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Many relationship styles? Yes. I'm not judging open relationships. I'm just amused that you think it's "monogamy" if you're dating two different people.
Semantics, Shemantics. ;)
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Ha, why do people act like semantics aren't important?
And on a more important note, why would you want to actually date two people at once?
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Um... becuase I have sexual needs... (duh ::) ).
And becuase we've been together so long that my boyfreind and are more like best freinds then anything else.
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Of course you can whine. It just seems to me like you were expecting a bit too much.
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Well we'll never know now, will we... :(
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Ha, why do people act like semantics aren't important?
And on a more important note, why would you want to actually date two people at once?
You know there are people who aren't mentally wiered for monogamy, right? I'm one of those myself, and has, as long as I remember, had deeper feelings for two girls at any given moment, and then it's only logical to want committed relationships with both. I bet there are those who are wiered for even more partners simultaneously aswell.
Secondly, I think what Ronin tries to say when he's writing 'my other monogamous partner' is that he isn't really interested in open relationships but do want two, paralell relationships that are exclusive to those already involved. Am I correct Ronin?
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Ha, why do people act like semantics aren't important?
And on a more important note, why would you want to actually date two people at once?
You know there are people who aren't mentally wiered for monogamy, right? I'm one of those myself, and has, as long as I remember, had deeper feelings for two girls at any given moment, and then it's only logical to want committed relationships with both. I bet there are those who are wiered for even more partners simultaneously aswell.
Secondly, I think what Ronin tries to say when he's writing 'my other monogamous partner' is that he isn't really interested in open relationships but do want two, paralell relationships that are exclusive to those already involved. Am I correct Ronin?
That's the gist of it... :D
I din't want to use the term "Polyamory" here becuase it seemed too loaded, too many different people coming and going. I couldn't handle that. :-\
But two lovers I could handle... :D
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Then I think you and I are wiered in a similiar way, although I'm a ladies man all the way
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Ha, who said anything about monogamy? I didn't say anything about being in one relationship and sleeping with someone else, or sleeping with many people, but two full, actual relationships? That just sounds like too much to deal with.
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Greedy bastards.
[/joking]
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Eh, maybe it's just because I currently have zero that I'd be satisfied with one.
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I feel for you man.
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@ronin: Did she know about your boyfriend? If thats the case she may have never given a second thoughtto your relationship being more than a friendship and your flirting as some fun teasing.
The human species (male side at least) is PRIMARILY wired for polygamy. In the vast majority of species out there, those who mate for life normally have very few outward differences between the male and female while those who 'spread their seed' normally have much more differences with males often larger and stronger, or covered in plumage to attract females, etc. Obviously many of us men do stay with a single woman all our lives thanks to intelligence and humanity's morals but we're mostly wired, genetically, to be interested in 'spreading our seed' across as many women as possible. There are variations in the primary genetic behaviour with some examples of Elephant seals choosing to mate for life rather than fight for females and territory or, in the female's case, seek out such a male, but they are the exceptions.
I forget the reasons and examples behind human females being less sexually active and more prone to single-partner relationships. Something in line with the nesting habit *shrug*.
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@ronin: Did she know about your boyfriend? If thats the case she may have never given a second thoughtto your relationship being more than a friendship and your flirting as some fun teasing.
No. That's the problem. I was just about to tell her and she got mad at me and told me about her fiance. That's why I feel like a hypocrite :(.
The human species (male side at least) is PRIMARILY wired for polygamy. In the vast majority of species out there, those who mate for life normally have very few outward differences between the male and female while those who 'spread their seed' normally have much more differences with males often larger and stronger, or covered in plumage to attract females, etc. Obviously many of us men do stay with a single woman all our lives thanks to intelligence and humanity's morals but we're mostly wired, genetically, to be interested in 'spreading our seed' across as many women as possible. There are variations in the primary genetic behaviour with some examples of Elephant seals choosing to mate for life rather than fight for females and territory or, in the female's case, seek out such a male, but they are the exceptions.
I forget the reasons and examples behind human females being less sexually active and more prone to single-partner relationships. Something in line with the nesting habit *shrug*.
I seem to remember something about a woman's brain releasing some kind of hormone that makes her like her partner more after sex (or maybe after she has a baby; I'm vague on the details :-\). I can't remeber the name of it and therefore can't look it up, however. Anybody who as any idea what I'm talking about is encouraged to tell me. :-\
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You guys are thinking of pheromones. But the reason (biologically, and evolutionary) women tend to only want one partner is because:
1 They know (again biologically) that raising a child is a ton of work, and I can only assume being a single mother + hunting would be much harder than doing it without the child
2 They want to make sure they're mate is able to take care of them while she is taking care of the child. (again biologically/evolutionary I'm not trying to say "get in the kitchen")
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...get in the kitchen...
Your such a sexist Pozf! How Dare you! ::)
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Pozf you sexist bastard! :P
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get in the kitchen
Pozf, that's horrible!
Who gave them permission to leave in the first place?
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Might be transportation from the father's kitchen to the husband's after purchase of goods by Dowry
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I did not know that but I'm happy that I do now.
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Yes. And even if it was "primary" or "biological" humans are past that. If we're going to be natural and biological and primal all the way, then why don't we just quit thinking alltogether and go back to running on four legs.
I don't mean to offend anyone now, but in my opinion, wanting polygamy is a sign of immaturity.
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I'm sorry, but could you please give a little explanation there? I mean, I understand the concept, but I'm wondering what the "why" is there.
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Yes. And even if it was "primary" or "biological" humans are past that. If we're going to be natural and biological and primal all the way, then why don't we just quit thinking alltogether and go back to running on four legs.
Except that isn't human nature... No matter how advanced the human race, unless we evolve out of our mid-brain, we will never be "Past" our biological nature/instinct. Granted the bigger our upper brain gets, the instincts , from the mid-brain, are easier to ignore. But as of right now, people are fairly stupid, although able ignore their mid-brain. They generally don't.
I don't mean to offend anyone now, but in my opinion, wanting polygamy is a sign of immaturity.
This I do agree with, with additive, No self control.
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And how exactly is wanting polygamy a sign of immaturity?
And secondly, in that statement, how do you define polygamy?
Thirdly, how do you define the concept of immaturity?
My personal stance is that closed relationships with several partners can hardly be less mature than closed monogamous relationships, while open relationships could be, but doesn't nessessarily have to be.
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Yes. And even if it was "primary" or "biological" humans are past that. If we're going to be natural and biological and primal all the way, then why don't we just quit thinking alltogether and go back to running on four legs.
Except that isn't human nature... No matter how advanced the human race, unless we evolve out of our mid-brain, we will never be "Past" our biological nature/instinct. Granted the bigger our upper brain gets, the instincts , from the mid-brain, are easier to ignore. But as of right now, people are fairly stupid, although able ignore their mid-brain. They generally don't.
This part here is very intriguing to me. I know that very many of our psychological problems come from ignoring/fighting against our natures. There was a time in my life when I made it my goal to not suppress anything emotionally, not to make myself "wrong" for having a certain thought or urge. It can be very helpful to do so, in terms of creating happiness and becoming a stronger person.
However, I think I also agree with Razzly, though I'm too impatient to wait for her reasons before stating at least some of my thoughts. I also think that the decision to remain monogamous is probably a decision made in maturity, as it allows for one to have a deeper, more meaningful relationship with one person, whether or not it also means that you have to suppress some natural urges. On the other hand, a decision to remain "free" at the cost of never committing to one "serious" relationship seems more "immature" (not that immaturity is a bad thing. In fact, before you are emotionally "mature", it's probably best to "fool around" a bit and try out some different things. It will help you appreciate your monogamous relationship if you do end up with one, and also help you recognize and choose a good partner. In my unprofessional observations, the teen years are probably when we're biologically ready for this, but the twenties are probably a more useful time due to the greater intellectual and emotional maturity and increased mental "settled-downedness".)
But is it possible to have as deep and meaningful of a relationship(s) with several people in a communal, polygamous, whatever way? I don't see intrinsically why it is not. In fact, in theory, I think it would take a more mature person to pull this off. I know, I know, in theory. My gut sorta tells me that this just won't work, and from what little I've heard and seen, it usually doesn't.
For some reason, the people I've met who are experimenting with this always seem to appear to be "immature" people. :-\ by that I mean, impulsive, quick to anger/jealousy, inclined to act and make decisions out of emotion (those are like all the same thing :-\), not sure what they want from life, etc. At least from my upbringing, these are not qualities I'd aspire to, at least not as an adult. I think they'd make for an uncomfortable and difficult life, basically.
oops, got ninja'd by Emp_Dragon..but it doesn't look like it nullifies my long-ass post or anything. ::) *looks down(up?)* see, I still kind of agree with what he's saying though, at least in theory! =P
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Well, UmberIsSexy basically hit the nail on the head, there.
I define polygamy as open relationships and closed relationships with many people involved. For example the old classic "one man and fifteen wives"-thing.
I don't really know what more to define here, since UIS put it all so nicely. But, ahem, yes. To be able to be with one person (at a time. I don't mind experimenting with many short relationships, especially not when you're a teenager. That's only healthy.) and have something meaningful together, is mature and shows that you have self control, and that you're mature enough to concentrate and give yourself fully to another. Wanting to run here and there and be with different people, unable to keep to that one person, seems... Impatient, reckless, greedy, non-thoughtful... All those are immature traits.
But I also have to mention that I am biased. I had a friend who was into polygamy once, and no one's ever hurt me as much as he did. I still want the bastard dead. Ahem.
EDIT: Still I hope that no one here takes this as a personal attack. I really don't want to start a fight. *Kisses to all*
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Yeah. um... I don't agree. :(
I think that breaking up with someone just becuase you like someone else is sortsighted.
I think if you can maintian the relationsonship your in... maintian it. Becuase really good relationships are not as common as everyone seems to think they are.
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And how exactly is wanting polygamy a sign of immaturity?
And secondly, in that statement, how do you define polygamy?
Thirdly, how do you define the concept of immaturity?
My personal stance is that closed relationships with several partners can hardly be less mature than closed monogamous relationships, while open relationships could be, but doesn't nessessarily have to be.
I think the only immature aspect to it is when someone flips out on people for wanting monogamous relationships.
And vice versa for that matter.
Though, I've always thought of "mature/immature" as rather loaded terms.
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I'm pretty sure the accepted definition of "mature" is "agrees with me".